I wonder how long a title can be here? Is it long enough to tell you that I'm working on something really big that I want to tell you about but I can't yet but that I want to celebrate even...

...though it's confidential and I'm not allowed to say anything about it but I wish that I could because you helped me in ways you couldn't even imagine and I love you for it? Fuck, this is a long tit

Before we begin…the subtitle was supposed to say “Fuck, this is a long title” but apparently I hit the word limit and it changed it to “Fuck this is a long tit” and I was going to change it but it makes me laugh so it stays. Happy and unexpected mistakes for the win.

This week I actually stuck to my own art prompt for once (life hint: never follow the rules even if you make the rules) and drew something about “home”.

“Thomas Wolfe

got it wrong.

You can always go home again,”

she said, as she closed her eyes

and brought back the bright places

you couldn’t find on any map, but still shined inside of her.

I envy the people who can imagine in their head what they want to create and then it just comes out how they plan. It doesn’t work like that for me and this doodle was one of the best examples. I wanted it an organic sort of oval but then when I was working on it I hated how lop-sided it looked and kept adding more to the edges to even it out and then I’d go too far the other way, and then I didn’t like the patterns of the trees or how tall I made the house, and then I hated how shaky the path looked so I added more detail to it to try to hide the issues but then the path looked too busy and just made the problems more obvious, and so I decided to make the sky black so that it would be bolder and would take your eyes away from how heavy and dark the path looked and then I realized that I was being ridiculous because:

1. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.

2. NO ONE SEES THE MISTAKES I SEE. (Or if they do, they realize I’m doing my best or feel better in comparison and that is a gift I’m giving you.)

3. NOTHING IS EVER FINISHED.

4. I WROTE “SHINED” INSTEAD OF “SHONE” ON THE DRAWING BECAUSE I LIKE “SHINED” BETTER EVEN THOUGH IT’S PROBABLY GRAMMATICALLY FUCKED UP. WHICH IS FINE. AFTER ALL, THIS IS FOR ME. ALSO, I’M NOT YELLING. I JUST LIKE THE WAY CAPS LOOK SOMETIMES. SORRY. I’LL STOP NOW.

And so I went to bed and the next morning I liked it better (because sleep is nice) but I decided to upload it to Recolor to mess with it. They don’t pay me and I just use the free version but it’s fun to upload an image (feel free to use any of mine) to the Recolor app and then color it digitally with my finger so that I can see what I like and immediately erase what I don’t.

And turns out that in blue it captured the cold and distant feeling of old memories, and the small spots of color in the house pulled my eyes to the part I want you to see first and I really loved it.

And then I thought that if a little color was an improvement then a lot of color would be even better.

Except that the more I looked at it, the more I realized that…actually? I kind of liked the original best.

With the original I could see the problems and I could see the fixes and I could see where I had been disappointed or excited. It told a story of my hands struggling to keep up and the surprise that comes with your body giving you something so different than what your mind had wanted. It showed improvisation and mistakes and moments when I learned and the thousands of lines I drew to keep my hands busy and focused on creating art rather than destroying myself.

Speaking of which…

In the last week I haven’t bled.

I haven’t mindlessly and obsessively picked at my skin. I’ve struggled with dermatillomania (a compulsive skin-picking disorder) since I was young, and although I’ve gotten better and found tips that helped, I will probably always struggle with it. I’ve cut away at my hands for so long that one of my nails is permanently deformed. But not this week. Instead, of bloodied fingers I have a small callous from holding the pen, from creating rather than taking away.

This post is supposed to be for paid subscribers but I’m opening it up to everyone because I know that no one here will be mad that it’s being shared. Having paid subscribers makes me stick to this project…it makes me responsible and accountable and keeps me from quitting until this becomes a true habit…and I’m sending out little sketches and other unexpected gifts randomly each week to thank you…but this post is more than just a drawing and I think there may be others out there might need to read this today.

It’s okay to redirect sadness, or worry, or trauma, or restless energy into something good. You deserve it. The world deserves it. And no matter how silly, or fucked up or ridiculous anything you create is, whatever you turn your hand to in the name of art or play or joy is a wonderful thing. Even if all you see when you’re finished is the mistakes. Sometimes the mistakes are beautiful. Just like you.