First off, a quick note that if you’re a paid member here you’re the reason that I’m going to be giving $1,000 to Project Night Night (a wonderful organization that helps unhoused children) and I adore you.
This has been one of the worst years I’ve endured. I’ve had long covid since July and my step mom died from pancreatic cancer this past weekend. These posts and drawings have kept me going, made me feel less alone and given me comfort. Thanks for adding value to my crummy year. Big love to you! 💜
Thank you for sharing this, Jenny! The depths of the story behind your cabin in the woods was so heartbreaking… I am hoping you anxiety will ease up a little bit soon.You don’t know me but I have read all your books and have been reading your blog for a long time… and I have ordered books from your bookstore and enjoyed speaking with your staff.
Because of you I tried IV ketamine at our outpatient clinic at the hospital in my small town in Iowa.
After the second appointment I had to stop. The side effects during the first eight minutes of my second infusion scared me and made me dizzy and nauseous… You had given me the courage to try it.
I’m very discouraged because it was my last idea for my treatment resistant depression and anxiety and PTSD.
I tried 44 treatments of transcranial magnetic stimulation and it helped for about a month and then I dropped into my deepest depression ever. A very serious suicide attempt landed me inpatient for four weeks after TMS and a bad combination of medications my psychiatrist was trying on me. she meant well but the mind is a mystery.
I don’t want to try ECT.
But just know that as I have been making my decisions for treatment, your books and your blog and your art have been very helpful to me. Keep sharing what you can share with us and we will keep loving you from afar.
Oh, friend...I feel you. I don't know if it helps but when I do a ketamine treatment they give me a zofran, a phenergan, and a shot of reglan to keep the vomiting away. I had one vomiting episode and it sucked. I also take a xanax before-hand and I've found that it's really helped with the side-effects. They don't recommend it normally but I couldn't keep going with the treatment without it because it was too scary.
I've had friends try ECT with mainly good results but I know how scary it is to even consider it. I'm sending you love. You're not alone.
I also have PTSD and psilocybin mushrooms helped me. If I remember correctly that works differently in the brain than ketamine so you may not have the same issues with it.
This became such a perfect image for that feeling. And the way you got there seems very fitting. Thank you for sharing this process. This whole series is really resonating.🧡
I love this little house and the sheltering trees, but I grew up in the BC rainforest so to me this is just what the woods look like (either that or my soul is inherently dark and gloomy). My husband did not grow up in a rainforest, and he would find this (as he finds the real forests around here) dark, gloomy and most definitely not somewhere he'd want to live (short visits are OK, but then he has to escape back to the sunlight).
I hope everyone gets the sunlight they need, and the forest they deserve.
My journey is forever a struggle but you are always such a glimmer of light. I am so grateful I found you and this community. I am learning that peri-menopause is a big factor into what is making my mental health worse. Not from doctors… but from my own research. I can’t find any doctors that are educated to help me. Does anyone else find themselves having trouble with this?
I just listened to the Mayim Bialik podcast with Sharon Malone as her guest. You should give it a listen. She also wrote a book that I just purchased. “Grown Woman Talk”. I also just bought “The New Menopause” by Mary Haver.
I would like the menopausal cliff notes to be a thing with proven solutions attached.
No, we shouldn’t have to do our own research, but here we are. I’m 51 so sadly I have been going through it for years without knowing what the hell is wrong with me!!
Thank you for responding and for the virtual support 😀.
Oh nice! Thank you so much Patti for the podcast and book recommendations! I'll take any info I can get honestly. I'm solutions oriented as well like yourself, and I'm so sorry we have to be. I'm so sorry that you've also been going through so much for years because the medical field has failed you regarding your peri-menopausal journey. Been there!
The past 7 months for me have been a rollercoaster, when it started with my surgeon told me that my total hysterectomy would NOT affect my hormone production at all because I kept my ovaries. Oh how incredibly ignorant or dishonest (I can't tell which) she was. She also said I would be healed practically immediately after my surgery, meanwhile my new gyn was like yeah, ...uh...healing time is more like 1 1/2 to 2 years. Sigh.
I have a new gyn, but boy, it has been hard to see the forest for the trees. I'm up, down, and every which way! Just know that you aren't alone not at all, and if you ever want to chat you can totally message me (I think we can do that on here). Thanks so much for the support as well!
Oh honey..*raises my hand high in solidarity.* I mean that in an empathetic, non-patronizing way. My grandmother used to say that to me from a kindred spirit place of deep understanding and that's how I mean it here.
Perhaps you can check out "The Menopause Manifesto"? My gyn recommended it to me after my hysterectomy in May (I'm now peri-menopausal and kept my ovaries), and I would imagine it probably mentions the mental health connection that happens in peri and into menopause. Even if it isn't mentioned in the book, I can tell you from first hand experience that you aren't alone!
I haven't had a chance to read it truth be told, and frustratingly, we shouldn't HAVE to read books like this. That is what doctors are supposed to be for anyway, but considering how alive and well the patriarchy is in the medical field as well as how archaic medical knowledge still is about women's health (look into the history of the word uterus, and thus hysteria and you'll see what I mean) it's no wonder they leave us in the dark. Best of luck to you, and sending well wishes as a fellow member of the peri-menopausal void.
Sympathy and solidarity! I went through medical menopause (my endometrial tumors were showing one possible cancer marker, so I opted for the removal of everything, including my cervix) early, and it caused absolute havoc with my body. I have Hashimoto’s, so I’ve been on synthetic thyroid for years, and I have to be on a hormone patch to make the thyroid work, and none of my doctors had ever considered that they’d be connected (though my endocrinologist says “if it’s working, stick with it”). I went through four years post-surgery of absolute misery (though my GP was great and worked with me). First, though, my thyroid dose was zeroed out, so we could start over, and I reached a point where I couldn’t do anything. I started seeing a therapist, we paid for a very expensive evaluation, and I got diagnosed AuDHD. Before that, though, I got misdiagnosed several times, so yeah, the change in hormones in menopause (and perimenopause) is a massive mental health factor. Your brain is an organ, too, and just like the other organs, changes in hormone levels have an effect. Almost every woman I know who went through menopause experiences mental health effects similar to puberty.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you went through that nonsense.
I hear these stories and they make me so sad and frustrated with a healthcare system that isn’t educated to help us. I hear about women’s clinics that specialize in our health but don’t take insurance. Around here it’s $200-$300 a month, on top of already paying for insurance and copays/deductibles. Who can afford that? I also see wellness websites where they take all these specialized labs and monitor your health but again you pay hundreds out of pocket.
I asked my gyno what safe pads and tampons I should be using and she said nothing is FDA tested/approved. My response was that I have been using toxic products for almost 40 years, what’s a couple more!? They can give me a pill for whatever damage occurs as a result , right?
The darkness can be sheltering. I have lived in Wisconsin and Minnesota, and while many people find snowstorms scary, we learn to love the feeling of sheltering in place, warm and cozy, away from wind gusts. (With lots of food, cats, blankets, hot cocoa and rum). I hope you are sheltering in place in your dark forest. Also, I discovered you in 2016, and your posts, art,books,and your "youness" have been a gentle beacon in my life for eight years. Many of us are loving and thanking you quietly, even if you don’t hear us.
You know this year started off like any year and was doing just fine. But then October hit, and I’ve been on a slow spiral and December really took things to a blender and I’m just trying to hold on at this point.
'the woods are lovely, dark & deep, but i have promises to keep, & miles to go before i sleep..' comes to mind.. :) so many of us out here also struggling with anxiety & darkness, jenny.. <3
It’s kind of nice to know I’m not alone in my struggles. We bought a house and it was finally finished in May so from June onwards was going to be my rest and recovery time. Not so. The house is the most shit house ever. The building supervisor told me in June that they don’t make the roofs waterproof and that was only the beginning. Yesterday the builder - I believe - committed criminal trespass and violated OH&S regulations to rip up my roof and NOT make the boundary wall into a firewall!!! They definitely did NOT follow James Hardie Group’s emailed instructions on how to fill the significant gap between the top of a portion of wall and the roof sheeting. AND they did NOT tell us in advance, they did NOT get our approval to do this and they refused to answer questions (my husband came home from the office to take the lead while I had hysterics).
Today my GP said she’d write a letter to the developer who sold us the house and tell them they’re making my PTSD re fires so very much worse and adversely affecting my health. I doubt it’ll help, we’re going to have to get out a mortgage to take them to court, but OMFG FML.
And don’t get me started on being disabled, isolated, refused service because of my seeing eye dog (illegal), and so on. I started crying during my writing group on Thursday or Friday last week, couldn’t stop crying, and haven’t returned because I don’t want to embarrass myself again. And I keep crying. Off and on all day every day. Usually I can function on the surface at least but not any more. I’m a watery mess and now I’m too scared to leave my house in case the builder commits criminal trespass again when I’m not there.
So sensitively expressed and such a universality conveyed in such a succinct yet emotional way with clarity in words and image. We may not see or fully appreciate all those hours of labour and the emotional effort behind what we see here but is is evident in its absence to us because nothing this good happens without a great amount of investment. Thank you, Jenny.
That little house is each of us - hunkering down at the edge of the dark forest, just trying to keep the lights on.
This has been one of the worst years I’ve endured. I’ve had long covid since July and my step mom died from pancreatic cancer this past weekend. These posts and drawings have kept me going, made me feel less alone and given me comfort. Thanks for adding value to my crummy year. Big love to you! 💜
Sending you so much love.
Thank you for sharing this, Jenny! The depths of the story behind your cabin in the woods was so heartbreaking… I am hoping you anxiety will ease up a little bit soon.You don’t know me but I have read all your books and have been reading your blog for a long time… and I have ordered books from your bookstore and enjoyed speaking with your staff.
Because of you I tried IV ketamine at our outpatient clinic at the hospital in my small town in Iowa.
After the second appointment I had to stop. The side effects during the first eight minutes of my second infusion scared me and made me dizzy and nauseous… You had given me the courage to try it.
I’m very discouraged because it was my last idea for my treatment resistant depression and anxiety and PTSD.
I tried 44 treatments of transcranial magnetic stimulation and it helped for about a month and then I dropped into my deepest depression ever. A very serious suicide attempt landed me inpatient for four weeks after TMS and a bad combination of medications my psychiatrist was trying on me. she meant well but the mind is a mystery.
I don’t want to try ECT.
But just know that as I have been making my decisions for treatment, your books and your blog and your art have been very helpful to me. Keep sharing what you can share with us and we will keep loving you from afar.
Oh, friend...I feel you. I don't know if it helps but when I do a ketamine treatment they give me a zofran, a phenergan, and a shot of reglan to keep the vomiting away. I had one vomiting episode and it sucked. I also take a xanax before-hand and I've found that it's really helped with the side-effects. They don't recommend it normally but I couldn't keep going with the treatment without it because it was too scary.
I've had friends try ECT with mainly good results but I know how scary it is to even consider it. I'm sending you love. You're not alone.
I also have PTSD and psilocybin mushrooms helped me. If I remember correctly that works differently in the brain than ketamine so you may not have the same issues with it.
This became such a perfect image for that feeling. And the way you got there seems very fitting. Thank you for sharing this process. This whole series is really resonating.🧡
I love this little house and the sheltering trees, but I grew up in the BC rainforest so to me this is just what the woods look like (either that or my soul is inherently dark and gloomy). My husband did not grow up in a rainforest, and he would find this (as he finds the real forests around here) dark, gloomy and most definitely not somewhere he'd want to live (short visits are OK, but then he has to escape back to the sunlight).
I hope everyone gets the sunlight they need, and the forest they deserve.
My journey is forever a struggle but you are always such a glimmer of light. I am so grateful I found you and this community. I am learning that peri-menopause is a big factor into what is making my mental health worse. Not from doctors… but from my own research. I can’t find any doctors that are educated to help me. Does anyone else find themselves having trouble with this?
I just listened to the Mayim Bialik podcast with Sharon Malone as her guest. You should give it a listen. She also wrote a book that I just purchased. “Grown Woman Talk”. I also just bought “The New Menopause” by Mary Haver.
I would like the menopausal cliff notes to be a thing with proven solutions attached.
No, we shouldn’t have to do our own research, but here we are. I’m 51 so sadly I have been going through it for years without knowing what the hell is wrong with me!!
Thank you for responding and for the virtual support 😀.
Oh nice! Thank you so much Patti for the podcast and book recommendations! I'll take any info I can get honestly. I'm solutions oriented as well like yourself, and I'm so sorry we have to be. I'm so sorry that you've also been going through so much for years because the medical field has failed you regarding your peri-menopausal journey. Been there!
The past 7 months for me have been a rollercoaster, when it started with my surgeon told me that my total hysterectomy would NOT affect my hormone production at all because I kept my ovaries. Oh how incredibly ignorant or dishonest (I can't tell which) she was. She also said I would be healed practically immediately after my surgery, meanwhile my new gyn was like yeah, ...uh...healing time is more like 1 1/2 to 2 years. Sigh.
I have a new gyn, but boy, it has been hard to see the forest for the trees. I'm up, down, and every which way! Just know that you aren't alone not at all, and if you ever want to chat you can totally message me (I think we can do that on here). Thanks so much for the support as well!
Oh honey..*raises my hand high in solidarity.* I mean that in an empathetic, non-patronizing way. My grandmother used to say that to me from a kindred spirit place of deep understanding and that's how I mean it here.
Perhaps you can check out "The Menopause Manifesto"? My gyn recommended it to me after my hysterectomy in May (I'm now peri-menopausal and kept my ovaries), and I would imagine it probably mentions the mental health connection that happens in peri and into menopause. Even if it isn't mentioned in the book, I can tell you from first hand experience that you aren't alone!
I haven't had a chance to read it truth be told, and frustratingly, we shouldn't HAVE to read books like this. That is what doctors are supposed to be for anyway, but considering how alive and well the patriarchy is in the medical field as well as how archaic medical knowledge still is about women's health (look into the history of the word uterus, and thus hysteria and you'll see what I mean) it's no wonder they leave us in the dark. Best of luck to you, and sending well wishes as a fellow member of the peri-menopausal void.
Sympathy and solidarity! I went through medical menopause (my endometrial tumors were showing one possible cancer marker, so I opted for the removal of everything, including my cervix) early, and it caused absolute havoc with my body. I have Hashimoto’s, so I’ve been on synthetic thyroid for years, and I have to be on a hormone patch to make the thyroid work, and none of my doctors had ever considered that they’d be connected (though my endocrinologist says “if it’s working, stick with it”). I went through four years post-surgery of absolute misery (though my GP was great and worked with me). First, though, my thyroid dose was zeroed out, so we could start over, and I reached a point where I couldn’t do anything. I started seeing a therapist, we paid for a very expensive evaluation, and I got diagnosed AuDHD. Before that, though, I got misdiagnosed several times, so yeah, the change in hormones in menopause (and perimenopause) is a massive mental health factor. Your brain is an organ, too, and just like the other organs, changes in hormone levels have an effect. Almost every woman I know who went through menopause experiences mental health effects similar to puberty.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you went through that nonsense.
I hear these stories and they make me so sad and frustrated with a healthcare system that isn’t educated to help us. I hear about women’s clinics that specialize in our health but don’t take insurance. Around here it’s $200-$300 a month, on top of already paying for insurance and copays/deductibles. Who can afford that? I also see wellness websites where they take all these specialized labs and monitor your health but again you pay hundreds out of pocket.
I asked my gyno what safe pads and tampons I should be using and she said nothing is FDA tested/approved. My response was that I have been using toxic products for almost 40 years, what’s a couple more!? They can give me a pill for whatever damage occurs as a result , right?
The darkness can be sheltering. I have lived in Wisconsin and Minnesota, and while many people find snowstorms scary, we learn to love the feeling of sheltering in place, warm and cozy, away from wind gusts. (With lots of food, cats, blankets, hot cocoa and rum). I hope you are sheltering in place in your dark forest. Also, I discovered you in 2016, and your posts, art,books,and your "youness" have been a gentle beacon in my life for eight years. Many of us are loving and thanking you quietly, even if you don’t hear us.
Your depth is incredible—in all of the ways. Thank you for sharing yourself and your art with us.
You know this year started off like any year and was doing just fine. But then October hit, and I’ve been on a slow spiral and December really took things to a blender and I’m just trying to hold on at this point.
The woods are so immense in this drawing. Yet, so majestic, too.
There is always so.much more beneath the surface. Honestly, a timely reminder when everything around us feels so sharp and painful.
It’s cool how the woods almost look like animal stripes of some kind—as if we’re hiding behind them.
As always, grateful for you sharing these little parts of your mind and making me feel less alone 💜
'the woods are lovely, dark & deep, but i have promises to keep, & miles to go before i sleep..' comes to mind.. :) so many of us out here also struggling with anxiety & darkness, jenny.. <3
It’s kind of nice to know I’m not alone in my struggles. We bought a house and it was finally finished in May so from June onwards was going to be my rest and recovery time. Not so. The house is the most shit house ever. The building supervisor told me in June that they don’t make the roofs waterproof and that was only the beginning. Yesterday the builder - I believe - committed criminal trespass and violated OH&S regulations to rip up my roof and NOT make the boundary wall into a firewall!!! They definitely did NOT follow James Hardie Group’s emailed instructions on how to fill the significant gap between the top of a portion of wall and the roof sheeting. AND they did NOT tell us in advance, they did NOT get our approval to do this and they refused to answer questions (my husband came home from the office to take the lead while I had hysterics).
Today my GP said she’d write a letter to the developer who sold us the house and tell them they’re making my PTSD re fires so very much worse and adversely affecting my health. I doubt it’ll help, we’re going to have to get out a mortgage to take them to court, but OMFG FML.
And don’t get me started on being disabled, isolated, refused service because of my seeing eye dog (illegal), and so on. I started crying during my writing group on Thursday or Friday last week, couldn’t stop crying, and haven’t returned because I don’t want to embarrass myself again. And I keep crying. Off and on all day every day. Usually I can function on the surface at least but not any more. I’m a watery mess and now I’m too scared to leave my house in case the builder commits criminal trespass again when I’m not there.
I wish I had the trees you drew…
Love this. Opening up with your vulnerabilities and sharing them with us, allows us to have our own feelings validated. Thank you for all that.
So sensitively expressed and such a universality conveyed in such a succinct yet emotional way with clarity in words and image. We may not see or fully appreciate all those hours of labour and the emotional effort behind what we see here but is is evident in its absence to us because nothing this good happens without a great amount of investment. Thank you, Jenny.