You're doing enough.

Even if it doesn't always feel like it.

Dear friend,

I am still writing to you from the land of depression and chronic illness. It usually doesn’t last this long and I know I need to do some work to get out of it. I will. Writing this strange substack is so helpful in a way, because I can see how long my depressions last and when I am getting too low and need help. It also makes me do the work to keep safe because I know that next week you will be reading and wondering if I’m okay. That is such a strange thing. But also sort of beautiful…like my quiet penpal guardian watching out for me.

This week I’ll see my RA dr. I’ll follow up on medicine changes. I’ll try to get in with my shrink and work out a plan. These are forever things that feel so hard when I’m struggling but I remind myself that I will come out of this, as I always have, and I will think, “Thank god I kept trying. Depression is such a fucking liar and chronic pain saps away more energy than we imagine. But it is so worth it when I come out on the other side and can breathe again and see with happy, clear eyes.”

This week’s drawing is reflective of that…in good and bad ways. It’s simple and not pretty but as I drew these strange lines I imagined new neural pathways forming…serotonin finally working…inflammation disappearing. It helped a little.

“It’s not my best work. But I did the best I could. And I’m reminding myself that if my body and mind only have 25% to give and I give that 25% then I gave 100%. This is weird math by bodies and minds are weird thing, whose energies ebb and flow like the beautifully strange things they are.”

I super crazy love you.

Thank you for listening. It helps more than you know.

~me