Brené Brown says fitting in is the opposite of belonging. That sense of freedom is just embracing your belonging exactly as you are. Thank you for letting others do the same!
u didn’t ask me but I let some people mostly family or friends know what’s going on with me; i share dreams and aspirations and I describe how I feel, what I’m grateful for.
Me too.. I could have written this (except for the friends part - I have none). I thought I was alone and weird, until I discovered you and this wonderful tribe of people. I feel seen here and maybe I’m not so alone after all.
We are all an impressive and loving group of friends together, who all of us have no friends. And that's how the world will come to an end, in one paradoxically friendly mass of lonely, loving friends.
You were the first writer with chronic illness and neurospicyness that gave me a blueprint on how to keep creating while doing your best to not to shit on yourself (in the metaphorical way, not. . . Well actually you and Sam Irby gave me permission to do this too and just accept that shit literally happens).
I just sent out a full request of my little, neurospicy, chronic illness full, gay as hell, cosy mystery to my dream agent, so fingers crossed!! And thank you, cuz the way you live your life inspired me to keep getting on the computer ❤️❤️
Tribe. This is my tribe. We exist in so many fun places! All my love to everyone else that is quietly existing, simmering in anxiety about their public behavior and appearance and movements... but slightly smiling - wide eyed - and trying to appear approachable..., quietly... all the while, because that is the appropriate stance to have at work... even though you are side-eyeing the clock on your laptop because you can't wait to be home without your bra and holding a beverage. *phew* Sure love you guys. Sure like knowing you are all out there. Alone together. :)
This post is so raw it hurts, but it will be comforting for your readers if they also feel like weirdos, doing their own thing because how else would they fill the time when they're always left off the invitation list for a party they didn't know was going on. I know it is for me, and that's what I do. I am currently sitting at a low table in the kindergarten playground the gate's usually locked to, admiring the "guerrilla art" some kid left behind. There are kindred spirits all over the place if you recognize the signs!
I get this on a cellular level. As I read this it hurt knowingly right in my ticker. This is coming from someone who doesn't fit within any normal societal expectations, and is a card carrying member of the weirdo/strange duck club. I still mask when I go out due to medical issues, I'm childless at almost 40 (birthday on Saturday), recently had a (complicated) total hysterectomy with continued recovery issues months later, and health issues overall that have kept me out of everyday normalcy for years, which is isolating at best.
Such things make me want to forget my birthday and hide in a makeshift blanket fort...well, maybe eat birthday cake while hiding in said makeshift fort, or perhaps recreate the Sixteen Candles scene when Sam shares her birthday cake on top of her glass dining room table with the dude of her dreams. I might have to rope my poor husband into being the Jake in that situation.
ANYWAY (damn ADD brain). In regards to fitting in, this is something I have to remind myself of with regularity. There is no "fitting in" needed nor required on your part as you are not a puzzle piece that should be wedged into some larger picture you never asked to be apart of to begin with....Who thought of the idea of "fitting in" anyway?!
My grandpa, may God rest his soul, used to say to me "Jennifer, you are PERFECT. WE are perfect!" I smiled and giggled when he said that. I knew what he meant. He meant that he adored me exactly the way I was..that he wouldn't change a hair on my head...that he loved my colossal amount of imperfections, weirdness, flaws, faults, and strengths that made me his "perfect" granddaughter. All of us are gloriously imperfectly "perfect" just as we are...we are worthy of love, worthy of acceptance, and we are all worthy of good things. Sending hugs to you Jenny!
me too, reclusive sometimes agoraphobic toy collector/cat lady here.. art & mini houses are like my therapy.. it's hard to choose between feeling lonely vs getting overwhelmed.. thanks jenny! hugs to you & Your therapy kitties.. it's hard work for them keeping us sane, hm?
I hope you know that you are loved precisely because you are exactly who you are without tying yourself into knots to be someone you're not. Thank you for this lovely note and the adorable artwork!
I think people that “ fit in” are better at pretending they fit in. I’ve never known someone that can walk into a room of strangers and feel 100% confident that it would be a positive experience. I’ve known fake people that make it look easy. You don’t want to be like them.
Everyone is just doing the best they can with the time and ability they have. Give yourself a break & know the “ fit in “ -thing, is a scam. It’s a mirage that LOOKS real, but isn’t. So is the person that looks like they have their shiz together. They don’t. Something is there, eating at them, just like you. They might look in the mirror and hate themselves. They may have horrible past experiences or insecurities you’ll never know about.
We are all doing the best we can. I would invite you over for a party. Maybe just a few friends and we could draw doodles of our thoughts.
No judgment, no pressures, but lots of snacks.
Give yourself some Grace. You are right where you need to be & you are ENOUGH.
Depending on which kind of party you are holding. If it's a social party, then I'm all in. I can't tell you the last time I've personally been invited to one. Most of my wife's family is republican. So I have learned to smile politely and nod knowingly when the conversation turns to guns and taxes. And if topics get a little heated, then my wife could subtly suggest it's time to leave.
Truly, I was on the fence until a few years ago, then I fell off on the other side.
(not sure what emoji works here. Maybe an open handed shrugging smiley face, if one exists)
I hope you get on the fence again & fall the other way. You don’t have to agree with everything. I feel the same way in Washington, surrounded by democrats. 😂 ( at parties)
People are interesting, that’s for sure. You sound like a good guy. I have a good guy for a husband. My husband knows when it’s time to leave a party. Rather, when I want to leave. He could stay until they kick him out. People take my energy, they give him energy. I honestly don’t care about what political party you are as long as you’re genuine. Have a great summer! ☀️
To paraphrase the Bard in today's PC lingo: All the world's a stage, and the people merely players." Yes, almost everyone is faking it to some degree. But being a writer I do have a genuine interest in other people, so when I'm out and about I try to focus on that, rather than how uncomfortable I myself may feel if I indulge in it.
I love how you take risks and you are brave enough to be yourself. It’s encouraged me that it’s ok to be a bit off centre and be a bit wierd..who knows if people feel more free to themselves then that might become the new normal
Jenny, you and I have been imaginary internet friends since you were writing a column in a newspaper that eventually turned into your blog that eventually turned into several NY Times Best Sellers.
I’m as proud of you as I would be of a friend I actually knew face to face. You and I have been happy, weird, ill, zapped, depressed, uncertain, successful, hidden, travelers… together yet separate for a couple of decades. I always truly appreciate reading your blog posts and substack musings and I strive to be as good of a doodle artist as you one day.
Thank you for the reminder that we don’t have to tie ourselves into knots to fit in. You have no idea how profound you are.
I’m 55 and have only recently figured out that I’m okay the way I am, and if someone doesn’t like me, it’s that person’s choice and not something I need to fix. Your writing helps me get there!
I'm so glad you're here exactly as you are. This post is relatable AF. Here's to the authentic weirdos in all our uh...uniquely awesome glory. Or something like that. 😁💜
I am often in much the same boat, I don't fit in, I don't socialize well, but I vibe on kindness, and good people, even the ones who are off plumb, and unlike the rest. Especially the off plumb and off kilter really. Makes me glad to know we are friends, by your choice and mine. Even though we may very well never cross paths, I want you to know that you've been a very very bright point in my life, from well before your first book, and that all the laughs, and all the tears, and all the "WTF Jenny?" are things I treasure and cherish.
Brené Brown says fitting in is the opposite of belonging. That sense of freedom is just embracing your belonging exactly as you are. Thank you for letting others do the same!
Perfect, Anna!! You took the words right out of my mouth. I'm grateful ;-). XO
Anne, I find that Brené Brown's perspective on belonging to be truly insightful.
May I ask how do you practice embracing your true self and fostering a sense of belonging in your interactions with others?
u didn’t ask me but I let some people mostly family or friends know what’s going on with me; i share dreams and aspirations and I describe how I feel, what I’m grateful for.
Each one of us is unique, the way it should be
Me too.. I could have written this (except for the friends part - I have none). I thought I was alone and weird, until I discovered you and this wonderful tribe of people. I feel seen here and maybe I’m not so alone after all.
We are all an impressive and loving group of friends together, who all of us have no friends. And that's how the world will come to an end, in one paradoxically friendly mass of lonely, loving friends.
your name is beautiful- glad you are seen!
Yes Elizabeth!
You were the first writer with chronic illness and neurospicyness that gave me a blueprint on how to keep creating while doing your best to not to shit on yourself (in the metaphorical way, not. . . Well actually you and Sam Irby gave me permission to do this too and just accept that shit literally happens).
I just sent out a full request of my little, neurospicy, chronic illness full, gay as hell, cosy mystery to my dream agent, so fingers crossed!! And thank you, cuz the way you live your life inspired me to keep getting on the computer ❤️❤️
Neurospicy! I love that! I think I'm neurospicy too. I'm definitely going to use this term. And congrats on sending your writing out! Good luck!
We are an autistic/adhd etc. family and we love the term neurospicy! Thank you for the good luck!!
good you’re being you and writing
I'm just like you! I needed to see this today, thank you. Hugs.
Tribe. This is my tribe. We exist in so many fun places! All my love to everyone else that is quietly existing, simmering in anxiety about their public behavior and appearance and movements... but slightly smiling - wide eyed - and trying to appear approachable..., quietly... all the while, because that is the appropriate stance to have at work... even though you are side-eyeing the clock on your laptop because you can't wait to be home without your bra and holding a beverage. *phew* Sure love you guys. Sure like knowing you are all out there. Alone together. :)
We here!
This post is so raw it hurts, but it will be comforting for your readers if they also feel like weirdos, doing their own thing because how else would they fill the time when they're always left off the invitation list for a party they didn't know was going on. I know it is for me, and that's what I do. I am currently sitting at a low table in the kindergarten playground the gate's usually locked to, admiring the "guerrilla art" some kid left behind. There are kindred spirits all over the place if you recognize the signs!
Exactly. I love the idea of all of the readers who found this post relevant as kindred spirits. Love love love.
I hear you
I get this on a cellular level. As I read this it hurt knowingly right in my ticker. This is coming from someone who doesn't fit within any normal societal expectations, and is a card carrying member of the weirdo/strange duck club. I still mask when I go out due to medical issues, I'm childless at almost 40 (birthday on Saturday), recently had a (complicated) total hysterectomy with continued recovery issues months later, and health issues overall that have kept me out of everyday normalcy for years, which is isolating at best.
Such things make me want to forget my birthday and hide in a makeshift blanket fort...well, maybe eat birthday cake while hiding in said makeshift fort, or perhaps recreate the Sixteen Candles scene when Sam shares her birthday cake on top of her glass dining room table with the dude of her dreams. I might have to rope my poor husband into being the Jake in that situation.
ANYWAY (damn ADD brain). In regards to fitting in, this is something I have to remind myself of with regularity. There is no "fitting in" needed nor required on your part as you are not a puzzle piece that should be wedged into some larger picture you never asked to be apart of to begin with....Who thought of the idea of "fitting in" anyway?!
My grandpa, may God rest his soul, used to say to me "Jennifer, you are PERFECT. WE are perfect!" I smiled and giggled when he said that. I knew what he meant. He meant that he adored me exactly the way I was..that he wouldn't change a hair on my head...that he loved my colossal amount of imperfections, weirdness, flaws, faults, and strengths that made me his "perfect" granddaughter. All of us are gloriously imperfectly "perfect" just as we are...we are worthy of love, worthy of acceptance, and we are all worthy of good things. Sending hugs to you Jenny!
me too, reclusive sometimes agoraphobic toy collector/cat lady here.. art & mini houses are like my therapy.. it's hard to choose between feeling lonely vs getting overwhelmed.. thanks jenny! hugs to you & Your therapy kitties.. it's hard work for them keeping us sane, hm?
I hope you know that you are loved precisely because you are exactly who you are without tying yourself into knots to be someone you're not. Thank you for this lovely note and the adorable artwork!
I think people that “ fit in” are better at pretending they fit in. I’ve never known someone that can walk into a room of strangers and feel 100% confident that it would be a positive experience. I’ve known fake people that make it look easy. You don’t want to be like them.
Everyone is just doing the best they can with the time and ability they have. Give yourself a break & know the “ fit in “ -thing, is a scam. It’s a mirage that LOOKS real, but isn’t. So is the person that looks like they have their shiz together. They don’t. Something is there, eating at them, just like you. They might look in the mirror and hate themselves. They may have horrible past experiences or insecurities you’ll never know about.
We are all doing the best we can. I would invite you over for a party. Maybe just a few friends and we could draw doodles of our thoughts.
No judgment, no pressures, but lots of snacks.
Give yourself some Grace. You are right where you need to be & you are ENOUGH.
I had to like your comment, if only for your use name. Although I'm not a Republican I totally respect you for sticking with it.
Michael, does that mean you don’t wanna come to my party? 🤗 It’s ok, I still think you’re cool for the positive vibe.
Depending on which kind of party you are holding. If it's a social party, then I'm all in. I can't tell you the last time I've personally been invited to one. Most of my wife's family is republican. So I have learned to smile politely and nod knowingly when the conversation turns to guns and taxes. And if topics get a little heated, then my wife could subtly suggest it's time to leave.
Truly, I was on the fence until a few years ago, then I fell off on the other side.
(not sure what emoji works here. Maybe an open handed shrugging smiley face, if one exists)
I hope you get on the fence again & fall the other way. You don’t have to agree with everything. I feel the same way in Washington, surrounded by democrats. 😂 ( at parties)
People are interesting, that’s for sure. You sound like a good guy. I have a good guy for a husband. My husband knows when it’s time to leave a party. Rather, when I want to leave. He could stay until they kick him out. People take my energy, they give him energy. I honestly don’t care about what political party you are as long as you’re genuine. Have a great summer! ☀️
To paraphrase the Bard in today's PC lingo: All the world's a stage, and the people merely players." Yes, almost everyone is faking it to some degree. But being a writer I do have a genuine interest in other people, so when I'm out and about I try to focus on that, rather than how uncomfortable I myself may feel if I indulge in it.
I love how you take risks and you are brave enough to be yourself. It’s encouraged me that it’s ok to be a bit off centre and be a bit wierd..who knows if people feel more free to themselves then that might become the new normal
Jenny, you and I have been imaginary internet friends since you were writing a column in a newspaper that eventually turned into your blog that eventually turned into several NY Times Best Sellers.
I’m as proud of you as I would be of a friend I actually knew face to face. You and I have been happy, weird, ill, zapped, depressed, uncertain, successful, hidden, travelers… together yet separate for a couple of decades. I always truly appreciate reading your blog posts and substack musings and I strive to be as good of a doodle artist as you one day.
Thank you for the reminder that we don’t have to tie ourselves into knots to fit in. You have no idea how profound you are.
🙂
❤️
"YOU HAVE TO BE ODD TO BE NUMBER ONE"
-----Dr. Seuss------
Yes
I’m 55 and have only recently figured out that I’m okay the way I am, and if someone doesn’t like me, it’s that person’s choice and not something I need to fix. Your writing helps me get there!
I'm so glad you're here exactly as you are. This post is relatable AF. Here's to the authentic weirdos in all our uh...uniquely awesome glory. Or something like that. 😁💜
I am often in much the same boat, I don't fit in, I don't socialize well, but I vibe on kindness, and good people, even the ones who are off plumb, and unlike the rest. Especially the off plumb and off kilter really. Makes me glad to know we are friends, by your choice and mine. Even though we may very well never cross paths, I want you to know that you've been a very very bright point in my life, from well before your first book, and that all the laughs, and all the tears, and all the "WTF Jenny?" are things I treasure and cherish.