This weekend Hailey moved into their first college apartment with their sweetheart and I’m not sure how that happened because they let babies move into apartments now?
And then I took a deep breath and reminded myself that Hailey will be 21 next year, and that was both comforting and also WHAT THE FUCK, HOW??
But that’s what I was thinking of when I did this week’s drawing, which is a little shaky because arthritis and moving don’t mix well:
“Have you ever been homesick for someplace that doesn’t actually exist anymore? Someplace that now only exists in your mind?”
When I first wrote that phrase, years ago, I was talking about my own childhood…but now I see it applies to so much more…being homesick for people, or times, or beliefs, or the person you once were. How easy it is to grieve for so many things.
But. Last year at this time I fell into a deep depression when Hailey left for college because I felt like that part of my life was over. And yet this week I’m helping to teach them to set up an apartment and how to buy ripe fruit and how to put together furniture and fix a broken dryer.
It’s never over.
There is gold that comes with every year.
A friend said once, "We're always teaching them the words." Whether those words are apple and ball, or how to console your new husband who just lost his mom unexpectedly. Our jobs are never done, instead they continue to grow and change, just like our kids. And ourselves. They teach us the words to their lives too, it's beautiful. And bittersweet. And beautiful.
I am missing the "me" that existed before family grew up and went off on their own. Now that I have the time to do/be/create whatever I want/need... am frightened and paralyzed with indecision. Now what? I am sure I'll figure it out, right?