A friend said once, "We're always teaching them the words." Whether those words are apple and ball, or how to console your new husband who just lost his mom unexpectedly. Our jobs are never done, instead they continue to grow and change, just like our kids. And ourselves. They teach us the words to their lives too, it's beautiful. And bittersweet. And beautiful.
I am missing the "me" that existed before family grew up and went off on their own. Now that I have the time to do/be/create whatever I want/need... am frightened and paralyzed with indecision. Now what? I am sure I'll figure it out, right?
You will. When my son left home suddenly in 2011 (I refused to let his girlfriend move in with us so he went to visit her for a weekend and never came home), I was devastated. His sister had been a much more difficult teenager but she left home "the right way", talking about it then moving out. Left with an empty nest I felt hollowed out and my home felt empty despite a husband and a cat. But you know what? Not being "the responsible adult" is bloody awesome. Not cleaning up after them, not nagging them to do the basics or doing everything for them, not... And the "can's". More money, freedom to be spontaneous and not have to be home to cook dinner and look after them, freedom to do what I want to do and not cater to 6 to 10 teenage boys having a get-together in my garage FOR A WEEK (from interstate so it really was 24 hours a day), freedom...
Last year my son raised the topic of multigenerational homes. I said it's great in theory but I want my own space, I don't want to be cooking or cleaning for the generation I already sacrificed my youth for.
You'll figure it out and learn the benefits. And then you can build a whole new relationship with your kids where you're not a combined servant, police officer, teacher etc. And you can live life for you, develop new hobbies... TAKE OVER THEIR BEDROOMS FOR YOUR OWN USE. bahaha. I told my daughter she could move out on a 30 day trial then, if it worked for her, she could take all her stuff and it would be permanent. I told her that if she did that, her bedroom was becoming the study/computer room for the rest of the fam (son was still a kid). She was really offended when I followed through: she came to visit days after she picked up all her stuff and found bookshelves and the computer desk in her old room. But it was great, we had more space, I could write essays for uni without the tv going right behind me...
There are benefits. And remember that life has phases. This is just another phase.
That’s what I’m doing! I get it now. I’m missing the me I used to be! The one that wasn’t in her seventies and wouldn’t be so friggin’ tired right now. It’s ok to rest! I love you Jenny
Oh, mama. Feeling you. Been there. Luckily, mine keeps coming over and over and over. Ha. It's perfect even when exhausting (omg, how does one person make so many dishes and eat so much) and then I'm grateful for the dishes and the empty fridge because he still wants to be with his mom. I know you know. Virtual arms around you. xoxo
Thank you! And congratulations to your child on graduating from college and getting their own place! It’s funny how we can be so worried and get so worked up by the thought that they will never leave, and then it affects us so deeply when they do!
I was a mother at 17 because my boyfriend bullied me into getting pregnant. Would not recommend. BUT at least she's an adult, she's left home, and - hopefully - you can have a good relationship with her and be grandparent. My only grandchild (and very likely to remain my ONLY grandchild) lives about 3000km away and plane fare to her city are excruciatingly expensive. CHEAP fares are MAYBE $200 or so one way. I always wanted to be a grandma: mine was awesome, at least until her son, my uncle, died leading to depression for her. So I hope you have fun being a grandparent.
Thank you! I am excited for her daughter's arrival. It definitely was not her choice. But things happen, and life doesn't always go how we planned, despite the best intentions. She had already gone through the trauma of an abortion at 17, and was not willing to go through that again, and couldn't bear the thought of adoption this time. That is her choice and I respect it. My own mother got pregnant with me at 19, and I am ever thankful that she chose to keep me as a single mother. And her example gives me faith. Plus she was a lovely boyfriend with a very supportive family, and I know she will be okay!
My baby is going into their senior year and I just pretend that's what they call kindergarten now and that stops the jitters and nostalgia for a minute. Then they ask about taxes or something adult like and I figure someone else in class is talking about how an older sibling is growing up and there's no way it's my child. Except that my child is taller than me now so the delusion falls apart rather quickly.
This really hit home for me - my kids are 23, 25 and 29 and it absolutely is never over. It’s been a rough couple of months for two of them (late pregnancy loss and a breakup) and I’ve been homesick for what I’m imagining were simpler/happier times when they were younger but I’m pretty sure that is just my brain who is not my friend being a trickster
I work as a children's librarian, which has the benefit of seeing young families all the time, with visceral reminders of how hard - physically, emotionally, and mentally - it is to have little ones. Toddlers are adorable and amazing, and also The Worst. I'm occasionally nostalgic for the cuteness and togetherness of those years, but I doubt those times were truly happier than now. I hope your lives resolve and you can enjoy this part of life too.
Totally needed to see this today - thank you. Two fledged into their own apartments last year after graduating high school, and we dropped the third off at his dorm this week. Last year was ROUGH (super depressed and floundering). I listed to "Furiously Happy" as I did tedious sanding for days this summer, and it really, really helped me make it through this summer. Thank you for being here and encouraging the rest of us along!
It all does feel pretty surreal. My daughter is 20, and heading into her junior year of college. This is the first year she'll be in an apartment instead of dorm housing, and it definitely hits different. She's also going through a difficult breakup with her girlfriend of three years, and that's been a rollercoaster for both of us. As everyone here is saying, it never ends. We're always mom, it's just that the conversations change. xo
A friend said once, "We're always teaching them the words." Whether those words are apple and ball, or how to console your new husband who just lost his mom unexpectedly. Our jobs are never done, instead they continue to grow and change, just like our kids. And ourselves. They teach us the words to their lives too, it's beautiful. And bittersweet. And beautiful.
That is so wonderfully said.
I am missing the "me" that existed before family grew up and went off on their own. Now that I have the time to do/be/create whatever I want/need... am frightened and paralyzed with indecision. Now what? I am sure I'll figure it out, right?
You will. When my son left home suddenly in 2011 (I refused to let his girlfriend move in with us so he went to visit her for a weekend and never came home), I was devastated. His sister had been a much more difficult teenager but she left home "the right way", talking about it then moving out. Left with an empty nest I felt hollowed out and my home felt empty despite a husband and a cat. But you know what? Not being "the responsible adult" is bloody awesome. Not cleaning up after them, not nagging them to do the basics or doing everything for them, not... And the "can's". More money, freedom to be spontaneous and not have to be home to cook dinner and look after them, freedom to do what I want to do and not cater to 6 to 10 teenage boys having a get-together in my garage FOR A WEEK (from interstate so it really was 24 hours a day), freedom...
Last year my son raised the topic of multigenerational homes. I said it's great in theory but I want my own space, I don't want to be cooking or cleaning for the generation I already sacrificed my youth for.
You'll figure it out and learn the benefits. And then you can build a whole new relationship with your kids where you're not a combined servant, police officer, teacher etc. And you can live life for you, develop new hobbies... TAKE OVER THEIR BEDROOMS FOR YOUR OWN USE. bahaha. I told my daughter she could move out on a 30 day trial then, if it worked for her, she could take all her stuff and it would be permanent. I told her that if she did that, her bedroom was becoming the study/computer room for the rest of the fam (son was still a kid). She was really offended when I followed through: she came to visit days after she picked up all her stuff and found bookshelves and the computer desk in her old room. But it was great, we had more space, I could write essays for uni without the tv going right behind me...
There are benefits. And remember that life has phases. This is just another phase.
Well said!
That’s what I’m doing! I get it now. I’m missing the me I used to be! The one that wasn’t in her seventies and wouldn’t be so friggin’ tired right now. It’s ok to rest! I love you Jenny
Oh, mama. Feeling you. Been there. Luckily, mine keeps coming over and over and over. Ha. It's perfect even when exhausting (omg, how does one person make so many dishes and eat so much) and then I'm grateful for the dishes and the empty fridge because he still wants to be with his mom. I know you know. Virtual arms around you. xoxo
I know exactly how you feel. My daughter moved out at 18 and is now at 19 having a baby in a month and babies can have babies????
Congratulations!
Thank you! And congratulations to your child on graduating from college and getting their own place! It’s funny how we can be so worried and get so worked up by the thought that they will never leave, and then it affects us so deeply when they do!
I was a mother at 17 because my boyfriend bullied me into getting pregnant. Would not recommend. BUT at least she's an adult, she's left home, and - hopefully - you can have a good relationship with her and be grandparent. My only grandchild (and very likely to remain my ONLY grandchild) lives about 3000km away and plane fare to her city are excruciatingly expensive. CHEAP fares are MAYBE $200 or so one way. I always wanted to be a grandma: mine was awesome, at least until her son, my uncle, died leading to depression for her. So I hope you have fun being a grandparent.
Thank you! I am excited for her daughter's arrival. It definitely was not her choice. But things happen, and life doesn't always go how we planned, despite the best intentions. She had already gone through the trauma of an abortion at 17, and was not willing to go through that again, and couldn't bear the thought of adoption this time. That is her choice and I respect it. My own mother got pregnant with me at 19, and I am ever thankful that she chose to keep me as a single mother. And her example gives me faith. Plus she was a lovely boyfriend with a very supportive family, and I know she will be okay!
My baby is going into their senior year and I just pretend that's what they call kindergarten now and that stops the jitters and nostalgia for a minute. Then they ask about taxes or something adult like and I figure someone else in class is talking about how an older sibling is growing up and there's no way it's my child. Except that my child is taller than me now so the delusion falls apart rather quickly.
This really hit home for me - my kids are 23, 25 and 29 and it absolutely is never over. It’s been a rough couple of months for two of them (late pregnancy loss and a breakup) and I’ve been homesick for what I’m imagining were simpler/happier times when they were younger but I’m pretty sure that is just my brain who is not my friend being a trickster
I work as a children's librarian, which has the benefit of seeing young families all the time, with visceral reminders of how hard - physically, emotionally, and mentally - it is to have little ones. Toddlers are adorable and amazing, and also The Worst. I'm occasionally nostalgic for the cuteness and togetherness of those years, but I doubt those times were truly happier than now. I hope your lives resolve and you can enjoy this part of life too.
Totally needed to see this today - thank you. Two fledged into their own apartments last year after graduating high school, and we dropped the third off at his dorm this week. Last year was ROUGH (super depressed and floundering). I listed to "Furiously Happy" as I did tedious sanding for days this summer, and it really, really helped me make it through this summer. Thank you for being here and encouraging the rest of us along!
It is truly never over. My children are 45 and 35 and my son has a son. My first grandchild. Now it all reboots!
It never ends. You’ll always be their mother and they will always need you.
So true. My first baby is going to college this week and I’ve got all sorts of feelings these days.
I meant to write I am finding …
I mean, there's probably funding involved too, right? :)
I should note that I am funding being a grandfather to be glorious.
It all does feel pretty surreal. My daughter is 20, and heading into her junior year of college. This is the first year she'll be in an apartment instead of dorm housing, and it definitely hits different. She's also going through a difficult breakup with her girlfriend of three years, and that's been a rollercoaster for both of us. As everyone here is saying, it never ends. We're always mom, it's just that the conversations change. xo
Bittersweet and beautiful. Homesick for everything home means.
Beautiful 😍 Life is perfectly imperfect. You’ve got this Mama.